zone alarm.

my trailer is clean… and smells of rain.

i have low carb energy drink in front of me that i’ve yet to open, and i can’t exactly remember why i bought it. a lack of said energy? no… i think because it said “lo-carb”.

i’ve lost a guestimated 27 lbs. i returned from new orleans at a very stretched 255… yesterday at the docs office, i managed an even 230. discount the clothes and shit stored inside my bowels, and i’m somewhere in the 228 range.

my miracle diet?

less food, especially rice, potatoes, and bread. almost no soft drinks, only a mandatory diet coke once a week. and i move around more. you know… like walking and stuff.

fucking insane, isn’t it?

i will reach 200lbs by september.

i think sara is going to home-school clayton. he’s been falling behind socially, and it may or may not affect his ability to remember to write his homework down. so, he’s spent more time in recess detention than swinging on swings… he’s constantly in after school detention detention because of homework issues.

and somehow our lovely school district can’t help him. he isn’t the same as the other 99 percent of the class, so we’ll just put him in detention. nevermind that his scores are above normal when he does do the work… nevermind that he is extremely gifted in math and science. he doesn’t write his homework assignments down, and he spends most of his time in detention.

fucking assholes.

the thing is… sara volunteers for his grade, so she is up there with him twice a week. she makes fucking copies for the teachers that are putting our son in detention week after week. she has had countless meetings with these dumpasses who just can’t seem to figure out why our son has this problem…

oh, it’s okay for them to forget to remind him of his homework, but it isn’t okay for a nine year old boy to fucking forget. and it’s okay for them to forget to tell sara the two days a week she’s up there doing all their shit work for free that our son is having a problem, but it isn’t okay if clay forgets to bring home the book that he was supposed to read.

we have grounded him… limited his free time… expanded his free time… took away the playstation… rewarded him with new games… we have done everything to help him, but when he walks through the doors at school, he is out of our control.

no matter how interested we are, the teachers don’t have time to fool with someone like him.

he is missing something when it comes to task completion.

but i’m not going to subject my kid to a school curriculum that just isn’t working. i’m not going to just sit casually by and hope that he “picks it up…” i refuse to pop a pill in his mouth and hope that his chemically altered brain will now concentrate.

because he is a smart little dude. probably too smart.

and this time, we aren’t just going to wait it out while his classmates move ahead socially, and he’s stuck in fucking pseudo-solitary confinement.

i’ve spit in my palm…

damn it feels good to be a gangster.

nourishes your active body.

i should clean my travel trailer.

i should go to work.

i should call my best friend.

i should read more.

i should tell everyone i love that i love them.

i should focus more on the kids.

i should never lose hope.

i should write exactly how i want to write.

i should drown my fears.

i should reach out to those that need reaching out.

i should correct past mistakes.

i should clean up after jacking off.

i should explore the outdoors more.

i should drive better.

i should be satisfied more.

i should be happy about being less sad.

i should drink more water.

i should take a nap.

i should try boiled eggs.

since 1927.

it’s 6:25am… i guess it’s monday morning. i am, of course, coming off a seven day work week. it’s just one of the many that i’ve worked over the last year and a half… i can feel that i’m different now… a bullet in a land of arrows. everything that i’ve done… everything that i’ve been through, has prepared me for one thing: happiness at work.

i’m here alone in my travel trailer. the pancakes that i made still fresh in the air, and i would give anything to have my family here with me… sometimes i forget what it feels like to be around them. i forget what it feels like to be a dad… to be a husband.

yet, when i walk through the gates and my hard hat fits tight… i’m at home.

soon i will be certified. soon i’ll almost double my pay. soon i’ll have a new travel trailer and truck. soon the summer’s sun will break the horizon and they will be here… my family.

correct me if i’m wrong, but everyone has changed. new life everywhere… new love calls… old loves leave… our circles mix. yet, after all these years, we are all still here.

i think back on the early days, when i couldn’t help but love you… when our words were fresh and the chemistry untested. i look back on the days when we were unsure whether we should love each other because it was new and new love is always the hardest to trust, especially when it was just words.

and here we are. still here. still in love… still wanting each other.

you are my friends, and it feels so good to say that.

mountain cooler.

she sat completely still… arms folded, eyelids blinking like when she rode on the back of my bike and tears would form at the corners. i hated that this had to happen and i hated myself for allowing this to happen.

me, a man… complex beyond all other lower, less complex animals.

and her… a prime being unlike anything a lowered man like me had ever seen.

yet, i did this.

jumbling towers.

i have relocated my travel trailer to another spot in the park. for shits and giggles, i decided to turn on my old laptop… and poof, a signal. oh, it’s weak… and sometimes fades in and out… but, it’s a signal. i’ve been looking at signal boosters, and i think that if i buy one… like a repeater… it would help get the signal strength up. but, like most things electronic, i can’t find a reasonable description of what they actually do, so i don’t know if i should spend the money. i hate to dump the money on something that won’t work.

part of the problem is i’m using the trailer parks connection… a weak linksys wireless signal. what i want to do is boost it. fairly simple, right?

not quite. you would think that something out there can pick up the weak signal and repeat it, with a boost… i haven’t found anything yet that i’m certain would fix my problem.

oh well… so, what’s up? it feels amazing actually sitting in my trailer and writing… the 1990 regional final is on espn classic… duke vs. uconn. i remember it like it was yesterday…

i had followed the entire college basketball season because a guy that i went to school with was playing for tom penders at the university of texas. all those old familiar names calling out from my past… hurley, hill, laettner, abdulnaby. of course, i have no idea if their names are spelled correctly. it doesn’t really matter…

it’s those memories that the names bring back that do. like, my mom letting me stay home from school so i could watch the tournament. or driving to rice university to watch as texas thrashed a very good rice university team. getting pulled over in austin because i was speeding… trying to make it to a game.

 eh… enough for now. i hope, this means i’m back.

spring candle sale

he keeps trying to find his voice. a little extra wind here, a bit more wang there. it’s all pure though… his words filtering through his chest like artesian agua. his laugh trips over his smile and i can’t help but smile to, sucking in his laugh.

tonite i’ll be gone.

but for now, “daddy, can you come lay down with me?”

beautiful home

she’s in the mirror. looking over the eyes that see through everything and the lips that kiss heaven and she’ll still ask me “do i look okay”… and i’ll say she looks beautiful even though words can’t really describe the mirror’s delite that i see. she’ll ask more seriously and i’ll try and fail to tell her that she’s more beautiful now than ever before and she’ll return to the mirror. even though she doesn’t need to. even though my words were truthful and sincere and earnest. even though she’ll look in the mirror and for a brief second realize that never before has anyone at anytime been more so than she is right now.

adult life and learning

an update.

i’m writing from the college library. i don’t think you are supposed to look at anything other than the dewey decimal wiki page, but i’m a bit of a rogue these days. i’m here about 9 hours each week, taking a total of 3 courses.

they are safety courses. i am now working as a safety representative for my company. i am truly happier than i have ever been… on the job. i deal with osha regulations and how they effect our companies performance and all kinds of other technical mumbo… but mostly i walk around and talk to people. i give speeches in front of 500 people once a week. i sit on my ass. it’s great!

i’ve lost 23 pounds. i eat healthier, and stay more active. the weight loss is steady, and less likely to come back after a bender weekend. so, i’m officially at 233 lbs. 33 lbs left before i reach my goal. i have until september to lose the rest. just a refresher, in beginning of december i weighed 255.

the kids… oh my. they grow and grow. and yet they love me more each day. i don’t see them enough… work consumes me, which is why i’m back at school.

sara is amazing… every year she proves to me that i would be lost without her. so far this year, she juggles the pto, girl scouts, dance lessons, softball, basketball, all three kids school activities, all the bill paying, everything else. i bring home the bacon… she makes banana pudding out of it.

i am still living away from home. my 1999 prowler travel trailer is most comfortable. i stay in a cushy travel trailer park… i work nites. i am now 34 years old.

i have refreshed my relationship with my best man… we had parted ways 3 years ago… now, i can’t remember why. eh, it’s not important anyway. my life is completely different from a year ago. i’m much more focused. much more mature. much more independent.

i have let go of some close friends… and that hurt like hell. but, we have said our apologies, and agree that right now it’s best. in some ways, i respect them more now that they are gone… i guess, because they  let me go when i needed to get away.

i miss this… more than you could ever know… my mind flirts with new computers, and how i could somehow afford it right now… but a new house is on the horizon, and more school, and a new truck in august, and a million other things… but, you never know… you really never know.

all my love to those who may read this… each and every one of you are carried in my heart daily. send good thoughts my way… i’ll be back soon.

all my love.

rick